Tryin' to keep up a smile that hides the tears

By Liz

‘Riding Along… wearing the Face of false Bravado…’ This was a text that I received from my Dad this weekend as he was checking in to see how I was doing.   I knew from his kind understanding that my Mom had shared with him what happened to me earlier this week on a bus ride home.  

It all started a last Sunday when I woke up and as I usually do right away, I checked my Facebook news feed like most of the social media consious do these days.   I was up a little earlier than usual because I was waiting for my friends to arrive at my house to depart on a day trip full of sun and tubing on the Wenatchee River in Levenworth, WA.   The first thing that registured on my feed that Sunday was sad news that Ronnie White had passed away from a heart attack earlier that morning. 

I had met Ronnie over 11 years ago, my first summer as a camp counselor at Camp Chatuga, in Mountain Rest, SC.  Ronnie was camp pillar with many years of serving as the Camp Chef.  Famously known by campers, counselors, and parents for his delicious fried chicken.  We also bonded over his love of the soap opera The Young and the Restless that I happened to grow up on because it was my Mom and Grandmama’s favorite too!    Ronnie was a hard worker with a  fun spirit.  I enjoyed the sessions and times I got to work with him in the kitchen.   I also enjoyed sitting on the porch rocking chairs and catching up in the summers that I visited after haning up my counselor hat.  

That Sunday on the river I found myself surrounded by friends and yet did not feel like sharing my sad news.   I knew they would be supportive, but I did not really want to think all that much about it.   I was surrounded by memories of camp and all the happy good times.  The settings along the Wenatchee River reminded me of tubing along the Chattooga River near camp.  I could tell that I was not letting myself get too deep into thought about the sad news.  Avoidance maybe?  Or denial, possibly?  The day was long and after the extra traffic on the road with weekend warriors returning to the city, I was worn out and feel a sleep shortly after my head hit the pillow.  Followed by an extra busy Monday, I had not had a chance to be alone with my thoughts. 

That busy escapism did not last as long as I may had hoped.  Having to wait a bit longer for the later bus to arrive, I found myself on a rare ride where there were plenty of seats at the back of the bus.   Sitting down next to a lady engrossed in her book, it only took about 2 minutes of chugging along Elliot Bay to have the weight of the sad news came crashing down on me.  As I sat there with my sunglasses on, my chin began to quiver as the loss truly hit me.  Trying my best not to openly cry, very aware that 15 strangers surrounded me.  I’m not sure if any of these strangers caught my moments of mourning a dear old friend. I hope to remember this moment for the next time I find myself a witness to someone’s reminiscence.

As for my Dad’s text, he was quoting a line from an Hall and Oats song Baby Come Back.  Now the song is about a loss in another way than of my dear friend Ronnie, but the line he quotes resonates with that feeling we all have when we lose someone dear to our hearts.  ‘All day long, wearing a mask of false bravado Tryin' to keep up a smile that hides the tears But as the sun goes down, I get that empty feeling again How I wish to God that you were here.’

Ronnie, there will always be a place for you in my heart.  You are missed and may you rest in peace.